Dear New York Times,
Karl Marx here. Thank you for the new article wishing me a happy birthday. I have to say, though, in the 135 years Iāve spent boiling in the bowels of hell — Michel Foucault and Saul Alinsky send their regards — I cannot accept the accolades youāve provided.
While the piece is fairly well-written, it also contains weird tangents and a fanboy approach, especially considering the death toll of my āphilosophyā has accrued roughly 150 million. Itās actually far more than that — believe me, Iāve talked to Mao and Stalin about it, those guys are crazy.
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And letās talk about the title. āHappy Birthday, Karl Marx. You Were Right!ā The inclusion of an exclamation mark is a bit much, no? What happened to the old New York Times, which was respectful? You emerged from the early days of penny press and fostered an impressive career — I saw it all, we denizens of hell absolutely adore the divisive tactics and unabashed elitism youāve developed over the years! Lucifer himself loves reading your hateful Trump articles, on account of all the money heās helped you make and all.
Letās talk about the author, Mr. Jason Barker, an English-born associate professor of philosophy at a university in South Korea. First off, he has done wonderful work keeping my work relevant with his expertise in āPost-Marxism.ā
And all that time I spent worrying that capitalism had ruined it for me! Well, not me, I actually loved capitalism privately, because itās what allowed me to be a lifelong freeloader and about ideas like āHavesā and āHave Notsā — can you believe people actually believe that stuff?!
I did not like Mr. Barkerās āalternative historyā novel, Marx Returns, which pretends to watch my process during the composition of Das Kapital, my screed against capitalism just slightly more subtle than The Communist Manifesto. Boy, I had a great laugh with those. I lost count of how many cigars and bottles of expensive wine I had while writing those two. Good times.
Most importantly, I would like to thank you, New York Times, for so shamelessly selling your soul on my behalf. I only hope you have a long-term plan, because, I can tell you personally, the whole communist thing doesnāt end well.
Sincerely,
Karl Marx
This article was originally published on GlennBeck.com.